Chicks tell all…

November 23, 2008

I came across this earlier today and it made me laugh hysterically – enjoy…

– – – – – – – – – –

Chicks tell all:

Well, guys, here it is: Everything you always wanted to know about women but were afraid to ask. Compiled from guys who really want to know, for example…

By Josey Vogels

Well, guys, here it is: Everything you always wanted to know about women but were afraid to ask. Compiled from guys who really want to know, for example…

What’s it like to have breasts? Admittedly, the novelty wears off by the time we’re about 15. I think it coincides with our first gym class as a full-breasted young woman. Then they’re mostly a pain in the ass: finding the right bra for them, having guys direct entire conversations at them, having kids (and men) gnaw on them for a few years, then watching them fall victim to gravity. They can be fun to dress up (or down, as the case may be), push up, or let someone run their fingers and lips all over them once in awhile (just remember, they are not toys to be tweaked, squished or poked whenever you feel like it). Why not strap a couple pieces of round fruit (large oranges are about a C-cup, cantaloupe a D-cup) on your chest for a day and see how it feels?

How come it takes you so long to come? Most sex books clock the male orgasm at about 3 to 5 minutes from time of erection, while women need at least 7 to10 minutes. Other factors to consider: women usually get a later start on this as young’uns, and we get easily distracted by things – like you being concerned about how long it’s taking us to come. And it’s just not as obvious with us. Sometimes you gotta prop up the hood and spend some time getting to know the engine, if you know what I mean.

Do you really fake it sometimes? And if so, why? Yes, we’ve all faked it. But most of us eventually realize it’s a waste of time and energy. Sorry, but even your ego isn’t worth it. Besides, it inevitably backfires when we realize we have to make the real thing live up to prior performances so we don’t get caught. A trained professional will know the difference. If your partner gets up after and starts cleaning the windows or organizing her closet, she probably faked it. If she lies there limply with a stupid look on her face, drooling slightly, give yourself a pat on the back. As for why we fake it, well… the aforementioned ego, boredom and, once again, our concern that you are concerned that we are taking too long.

What does sperm taste like? Melted overripe brie – salted.

What does a female orgasm feel like? Good. Not unlike that full body rush you get when you’re a kid on a swing and you drop your head back on the way down and then pull it up real fast when you swing forward. Though sometimes it’s more subtle – more like a case of bad gas.

What does it feel like to have a period? Not good. Imagine feeling like someone has injected air in your abdomen and accidentally slipped some shards of glass in there while they were at it. Add a steady, dull ache and the occasional warm gush that feels like you just wet yourself, and that pretty much covers it. Oh yeah, sometimes it smells bad, too.

How come we can’t blame your manic behaviour and inexplicable tears on PMS but you can? See, just because our manic behaviour might be explained by PMS, it might not be. That’s our call. If you make the call, any legitimate bad feelings are undermined thus making us want to slug you. Besides, since we have to suffer most of our life with our period (see above), we get to make all the rules about it.

Why is intuition a female thing? It just is, I can feel it. One guy told me he suspected female intuition was a secret weapon to make men feel guilty and ‘fess up to any crimes, since “she’ll know anyway.”

What’s our big beef with testosterone? “It’s like garlic to a vampire,” one guy complained. “Women are always blaming shit on testosterone.” Men have more testosterone and display proportionately more obnoxious, aggressive behaviour. You do the math. Admittedly, the too-much-testosterone explanation is becoming a bit clichŽ, and I’ve been told, in fact, that the hormone is sometimes used to subdue overly aggressive behaviour. Perhaps we should let this one go and just blame stupid macho behaviour on men.

Who made you the experts on relationships? Why, we did, of course. Pretty smart, eh? Chalk it up to female intuition, but, quite simply, you guys just don’t get it. If you would only see things our way, it really would make it all a lot easier.

Why can you objectify a man’s body but get upset when we comment on how hot some chick is? Thousands of years of history.

Why do you ask if you look fat in an outfit when you don’t really want to know? Yeah, that one’s pretty much a no-win situation. If you say no, we think you’re lying. If you say yes, you’re dead. The best way to avoid this is to tell us we look great at all times.

Why do you love makeup? Recently, as I was dancing around the room after finding out that my TV work gets me 30-per-cent off MAC products, my boyfriend had visions of hard drives and screen savers. What can I say. Everyone knows women wear makeup for each other. In ancient matriarchal tribes, women painted their faces even when there were no men around. There you go, it’s war paint. Plus, it’s fun. And a great way to fake it when you look like shit.

How can you love shopping that much? As a full-fledged shopaholic, I like to think of shopping as more of an ongoing daily quest for the ultimate deal on the ultimate outfit. Each discovery is an achievement, each major score a skilled accomplishment. And yes, we really do need another pair of shoes.

Why do you go to the bathroom in pairs? So your friend can hand you some toilet paper under the stall because you have, once again picked the one with no paper. That, and because we must find out who each other wants to sleep with outside the bathroom and sort out any overlap so things don’t get ugly later.

How come you can reject our sexual advances, yet when we say we’re tired you sulk? This is your fault. You are the ones who perpetuate the idea that men want sex anytime, anywhere. Besides, most of us are still new at this taking-initiative thing. We’re a little insecure still.

Do you really enjoy giving oral sex? As long as you let us control the rhythm and speed and don’t start thrusting it down our throat, fellatio is fun. It helps if you don’t smell like an old sock too.

Why do you get annoyed when we do nice things for you after you’ve asked why we don’t do nice things for you more? Because we know you’re only doing it because we told you. The trick is to not have to be asked; but if you must be asked, then the trick is to wait till we forget we asked and surprise us.

Why is it that when you want to talk about something we don’t want to talk about you bug us until we talk about it, but when you don’t want to talk about something we’re supposed to respect that?

I don’t want to talk about it.